I had barely finished writing my post on the failed 2013 predictions of the self-described “psychics” and “clairvoyants” who are the media darlings du jour, when the sorry lot of charlatans published their latest lot of flim-flammery and codswallop: predictions for 2014.
These will, of course, prove as wrong as the predictions for 2013. And 2012. And 2011, And 2010, And 2009. And on and on and on.
As usual, the list of “predictions” contains a lot of vague or general statements in which an unidentified “someone” is involved – you’d think that a real clairvoyant would be able to see the name of the person, and provide a location and a date.
But that would spoil the effect – afterwards they can claim they predicted the event rather than made a vague and irrelevant statement.
It’s a con game as old as history. And some of it is just plain silly.
Like this: “Garlic is in the news.” Huh? How in the “news?” In the food section of the Star? On a supermarket tabloid page? On sale in the local grocery store flyer? When will it be “in the news”? What sort of “psychic” predicts vegetables?
Remember, these are the same folks who failed to predict the former pope resigning and the election of Pope Francis. And Lou Reed’s death. Nelson Mandela’s death. James Gandolfini’s Jean Stapleton’s and Margaret Thatcher’s death. The meteor exploding over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk. Typhoon Haiyan “Yolanda”, one of the strongest tropical cyclones on record.Lac Megantic train derailment. Anything about Rob Ford.
Well, some of them now claim they predicted some and even all of these, but their predictions are curiously absent in the roundup of 2013 predictions from so-called “psychics”…
But what are minor events of this stature, anyway when we had these headline-stealing predictions happen in 2013:
- Congress will deal with gun control: Automatic weapons and high-powered rifles, semi-automatics that belong in war zones will be removed, and only used in situations where they are absolutely necessary.
- The spirits don’t see newly engaged Kelly Clarkson living happily ever after, but they see Justin Bieber making movies.
- Tom Cruise will leave the church of Scientology.
- Nuclear attack on New York.
- Cuba and Puerto Rico becoming part of the USA.
- A weather satellite will come crashing into a building.
- Experimental monkeys escape from a lab causing a pandemic.
- Giant prehistoric sea monsters under the sea.
- A possible landing of a spaceship.
- An attack on the Vatican and Pope.
- An earthquake of great magnitude wiping out Mexico City.
- A new, odd, unexpected source of fuel for cars, trucks and/or machinery is announced.
- While I truly hope this does not occur, I foresee a medical condition that sidelines Vice President Joe Biden.
- A plague-like pandemic affects populations in Europe and to some extent in the USA. Much of it ironically occurs in hospitals.
- Apple announces and releases a “mini iPhone” geared toward children and also under-served populations around the world. Apple finally launches a “smart TV.”
- Meditation proves to be the gateway to contact loved ones on the other side.
- It will be revealed that Vice President Joe Biden has been under medical care for senile dementia. I predicted his ailment back in 2012.
- Worldwide, we will see more mysterious mass bird deaths and tens of thousands of fish washing up on shore throughout the year. Conspiracy theories will abound.
- The next doomsday “fad” will be solar flares.
- Fashion tragedy: I predict the return of mesh shirts for men.
- Israel with strike Iran with a full on attack at its nuclear programme but fail to destroy some of the more heavily entrenched facilities leaving quantities of uranium available for dirty bombs.
- In Europe I see the start of an advertising-free search engine funded by the EU on a similar model to the BBC.
- I see a major landslide on the English Coastline. I believe that this will be at Black Gang Chine in the Isle of Wight.
- Families will rediscover the family dinner table.
Okay, so none of them happened. Some of which we can be thankful for: Justin Bieber in movies and mesh shirts, for two.
But solar flares as a “fad”? Like tattoos? You have your very own? or maybe get one named after you? Hey, did you hear? Solar Flare Ian just blasted towards the Earth and is gonna disrupt all telecommunications for the next 48 hours… and by the way, Mexico City is still standing. So is New York.
And Tom Cruise? Still mired in the cult.
Families are still hunting the elusive “dinner table.” Like the hunt for El Dorado… hint: look in the dining room or the kitchen for it.
And if you’ve never read the Hunting of the Snark, you really must: it describes all too well the hunt for credible “psychics” … the Snark is a boojum, just like “psychics” are charlatans.
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