Brian’s new campaign slogan


PettinessBrian Saunderson needs a new campaign slogan, now he’s officially filed papers in his ill-fated race to become mayor against the hard-working, well-liked, ethical, community-minded, former police chief, John Trude. It’s not good enough for Brian to run on his slogans from last election – “I’ll Show ‘Em Who’s Boss!”, “My Way or the Highway!”, “Why Be Open and Accountable When Secrecy and Deception Get My Way So Much Better?” and the local favourite, “I’ll Get Even With All of You!”

Last election, he launched his campaign on the coattails of a phony OPP investigation based on innuendo, wildly unfounded allegation and a nasty conspiracy theory. That story was hyped by his ski-hill buddy, a CBC reporter. But because  the public are onto his game and know the story was a hoax – after more than six years, the police have not identified or interviewed, much less charged, anyone – now Brian must fling his feces from new places to gain traction.

This spring, he launched his campaign by burdening taxpayers with a potentially $6 million, yet entirely unnecessary judicial inquiry to look into an open, transparent and legal process that happened way back in 2011-12. Sure, it’s another transparent attention-getting hoax cooked up with his desperate campaign team, and I suspect it will carve him a place in local history as the most vindictive, petulant politician ever. But it did get him attention among sycophantic local media and the echo chamber of Collingwood’s version of Faux News lite (run by his BFF).

And guess who he brought to town to publicize the inquiry even before anyone in the public or local media heard about it? Right: his CBC buddy from the ski club.

His local pet barnacle – so divorced from facts and truth in his online spume that he makes alt-right harridan Alex Jones seem credible – filed a complaint with the integrity commissioner against Mayor Cooper for trying to do her elected job honourably and honestly. And to twist the knife in her back, Brian and his Block minions gleefully made sure that the Integrity Commissioner came to council to publicly humiliate her. Nothing like a public flogging of a popular woman to garner votes, eh, Brian?

Like last election, Brian still has no cohesive platform for managing the intricacies of bureaucracy, holding the line on spending, keeping taxes low, maintaining infrastructure, engaging the citizens, collaborating with others for the greater good, helping the economy, or ensuring safe streets, clean water and clean air. So instead, he desperately needs to distract voters from his egregious lack of substance and commitment with an unrivalled show of nastiness and pettiness well beyond even that he has exhibited these past four years. It’s already well underway.

Brian’s pet CBC reporter is back in town, allegedly harassing blameless, local people whom Brian dislikes, and will likely concoct another fake story dredged up from events that happened six or more years ago. Just another story based on innuendo, alt-facts and conspiracy theory – all part of Brian’s campaign to endear himself to his dozen remaining supporters.

These people under attack have all accomplished something in their lives; some even have received awards and honours for their efforts. Their achievements shine too bright a light on Brian’s own lack thereof – a deep green light of jealousy blinds his vision. Therefore they can’t be allowed to get away with that affront.

Does anyone else find the CBC’s involvement in promoting Brian’s agenda just a bit more than sleazy and underhanded?

Brian never stops reaching for the bottom of the barrel in his scramble for power and position, and he won’t let anything insignificant like ethics or truth stand in his way. Or let the past be and move on. What’s a mere seven years when a personal vendetta is in the air?

Snidely WhiplashSo Brian needs a campaign slogan or two to tie them all together. Something pithy that conflates his utter disregard for the electorate with the elevation of his long-held spite towards rivals – or anyone who even looked sideways at him since he was six years old. He needs something that matches his self-serving goals, his burning desire to get even with people, to be the top dog, and to make sure everyone knows who’s boss. Something that releases his inner Snidely Whiplash.

Not an easy task for someone so shallow, yet hobbled with a heavy weight of pettiness.

In the spirit of sharing, I offer him these choices of slogan, absolutely free of charge:

  • “Punishing People From the Past!”
  • “Why Look Forward? Backwards Is Better!”
  • “You’ll Get Yours After I get Mine.”
  • “I Haven’t Finished Flogging People Yet.”
  • “Who Needs Policies When We Can Have Random Acts of Governance?”
  • “Bring Back Tar and Feathering!”
  • “I’m Not Petty; I’m Merely Vindictive.”
  • “Do As I say, Not Ever As I Do!”
  • “Trust Me, I’m a Lawyer.”
  • “Backroom Deals Work Because You’re Better Off Not Knowing.”
  • “I Won’t Let Ethics Slow Me Down!”
  • “Morals Are for Sissies.”
  • “Higher Taxes Mean Higher Pay for Me.”
  • “My Steppingstone to Queen’s Park.”
  • “If Doug Ford Doesn’t Need a Platform, Neither Do I!”
  • “No One is Innocent Unless I Say So.”

I even offer my services as a speech writer for his campaign. As a comedic speech writer, I’m sure I could get a chuckle from any audience simply by repeating Brian’s own election promises from 2014. Promises that were all broken, of course, within his first year in office.

Who won’t laugh when Brian once again promises to “change the purchasing policy to ensure there can be no sole sourcing of any contract for goods or services over $25,000, no exceptions.” After the many, many, MANY times Brian’s Block have approved sole-sourced lawyers and consultants and IT services to hand-picked recipients, that’s sure to make folks guffaw.

Or how about, “Improve communications to ensure the residents of Collingwood are informed of all council initiatives and engage the residents regularly to get community feedback.” A member of The Most Secretive Council Ever promising community communication and engagement? They’ll be rolling in the aisles. And what about “Ensure all major decisions seek out community input, and ensure there is rigorous staff research and due diligence before any decision is made”? A side-splitter, given Brian’s predilection for closed-door meetings and back room deals over Collus, the airport and our own hospital.

And then I’ll add this: “Ensure the division of labour between council members and staff is respected and eliminate micromanagement.” Yep, Brian and his minions sure did that: by handing over all their authority to the administration and voting as they were told without question, so they could avoid having to think for themselves when making decisions. The audience will howl, I’m sure.

I’ll just wait for his campaign team to call and take me up on my offer.

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