What did the former council ever do for us?


What have the Romans ever done for us?
TIM: What exactly are the demands?

BRIAN: We’re giving Powerstream two days to dismantle the entire apparatus of the Collus utility, and if they don’t agree immediately, we execute the shotgun clause.

TIM: You mean, cut their nose off?

DEB: Cut all our noses off. To spite our collective faces. Show them we’re not to be trifled with.

BRIAN: Also, we’re demanding a ten foot mahogany statue of the former mayor with his conflicts hangin’ out.

KATHY: What? They’ll never agree to that, Brian.

BRIAN: That’s just a bar– a bargaining counter. And of course, we point out that they bear full responsibility when we sell our utility and the rates go sky high, and that we shall not submit to blackmail!

BLOCK: No blackmail!

BRIAN: They’ve bled us white, the bastards. The former council took everything we had, and not just from us, from our fathers, and from our fathers’ fathers.

DEB: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

BRIAN: Yeah.

CAM: And from our fathers’ fathers’ fathers’ fathers.

BRIAN: Yeah. All right, Cam. Don’t labour the point. And what did they ever give us in return?

KEVIN: The new hockey arena?

BRIAN: What?

KEVIN: The new hockey arena.

BRIAN: Oh. Yeah, yeah. They did give us that. Uh, that’s true. Yeah.

MIKE: And the covered pool.

KATHY: Oh, yeah, the covered pool, Brian. Remember what the old pool used to be like? Couldn’t swim there half the year.

BRIAN: Yeah. All right. I’ll grant you the hockey arena and the covered pool are two things that the former council has done.

KEVIN: And the Hume Street project.

BRIAN: Well, yeah. Obviously the Hume Street project. I mean, the Hume Street project goes without saying, doesn’t it? But apart from the covered pool, the hockey arena, and the Hume Street project–

MIKE: Low taxes.

KEVIN: New fire hall.

SANDRA: Reduced the debt.

KEVIN: New public works building.


BRIAN: Yeah, yeah. All right. Fair enough.

KEVIN: And the economic development and marketing office.

STAFF: Oh, yes. Yeah…

DEB: Yeah. Yeah, that’s something we’d really miss, Brian, if the former council hadn’t done that.

SANDRA: Hired an integrity commissioner.

MIKE: We were more open and transparent back then, Brian. Way more.

KEVIN: Yeah, we certainly knew how to be accountable. Let’s face it. We were the only ones who were. I mean look at us now.

STAFF: Hehh, heh. Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh.

BRIAN: All right, but apart from the new arena, the covered pool, Hume Street, integrity commissioner, new fire hall, economic development, low taxes, reduced debt, a new public works building, and public accountability, what has the former council ever done for us?

KEVIN: Made a great partnership with Powerstream.

BRIAN: Oh. Powerstream? Shut up!

bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam

JOHN: I am a poor man. My sight is poor. My legs are old and bent, and–

SANDRA: It’s all right, John. It was only my gavel. Go back to sleep.

CAM: I have a prelude to an actual notice of motion…

BOB: Well, I can’t support it.

CAM: It’s kind of a pre-determined, pre-packaged, uh, put together by a firm in Toronto…

KATHY: Where’s my money? I can’t fly across Canada without more money!

TIM: Brian! The first blow has been struck!

BRIAN: What? Did John finish the shared services agreement?

TIM: No, Ed resigned. It’s all over town hall! We finally got rid of the bastard!

BRIAN: Oh, great. Great. We– we need doers like you in our movement, Tim. And know this. There is not one of us here who would not gladly suffer death to rid this town of the former council once and for all.

KATHY: Uhh. Well, one.

BRIAN: Oh, yeah. Yeah, there’s one, but otherwise, we’re solid. Are you with us?

TIM: Yes!

BRIAN: From now on, you shall be called ‘Tim that is called Tim’. Tell him about the raid on Collus’s emails, John.

(with apologies to Monty Python’s Life of Brian…)

Print Friendly, PDF & Email

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Back to Top